Cheerio fellas!

Weird is the word. Weird are the tidings.
Halloween long over, yet still harassed by the bloody river spirits, sitting here and typing away the hangover  I wonder what the lessons of last night might have been.
I remember how, back in Glasgow, I had to undertake similar enterprises, looking back at a night of weeping and vomiting and general humiliation. No tears last night, but I remember cutting my hand, first thing in the morning, when trying to climb a fence, and then again in the night, as I was trying to open a bottle of rum with a knife (and two fine cuts they are, stopped bleeding quite quickly. However, looking down on your own hand swimming in blood is one of the less repeat-worthy sensations of the day).
Damn, I thought, that’s a lot of blood and I still haven’t managed to open this  bottle of rum here, so that I could counter-shock myself with a hearty swig. Well, you know these days. At least, I thought, at least no tears and no blood noooo that’s wrong, there is blood, yes right, but no tears, no vomit, and thank god no pissed-off girls growing cold on me by the minute;
Oh my what a fool you are! No fire alarms, no unconscious Argentineans, no nothing, just a superficial cut here and there and quite a smashing we received in that football match, so long ago, of which I missed twenty minutes, climbing fences, impaling my hand on one of them, looking for lost footballs. Climbing a fence will always make you feel that you’re eight years old again.
If you fall down and break your leg/neck/head don’t come crying to me. The great craft of crying seems to link these events. If you cry, go the full way, do it with pride and vigour.
If you climb a fence, do the same, but there a couple of essential routine checks, that might save the day. So before climbing a fence do check on this list, it might make fence climbing a much more enjoyable enterprise
1.    don’t take your mobile with you. one of the most embarrassing situations in life is to be caught hanging in the middle of a fence with your hands bleeding and icy winds from the arctic blowing around you, frozen crows and all, and then your mobile rings. If, however, you are caught in this situation, do take the call and gently inform the caller that you’ll call back as soon as you’ve regained consciousness as you are about to fall from a fence and hit the bloody street.
2.    Careful with crows. It is their territory you are entering, and these bastards are somehow peculiar when it comes to territories.  If you are attacked by one or more crows throw your mobile phone at them. Crows can’t handle that sort of behaviour and will immediately call a very puzzled meeting on some far-away hilltop to discuss their next couple of steps. This will give you time to go and get another mobile.
3.    There are many various kinds of fences. Always check what you are about to encounter once you reach the top of the fence. Not doing so means trouble. It would for example be a bad idea to g and climb a high security fence in the gaza strip, even though there is an undeniable appeal to it. It is actually in general not advisable to climb high security fences. Electric fences should be handled with suspicion as well.
4.    Some fences are higher than others, always take some food and maybe a newspaper with you, if you get hungry on the way, or feel like taking a little break.
5.    Changing sides- once you have reached the top you might experience problems in changing to the other side. It is not a rare sight to see skeletons of unlucky fence climbers clinging on to the top of a fence, looking even in death still undetermined and puzzled on how to proceed from here on. If in doubt, wait for a fellow fence climber to come along. If nobody passed you after, say, two days you might consider climbing down again, or just improvise by hurling your whole body over the top and praying to whatever deity you believe in (bad luck for atheist here, but I suppose they could pray to Coca Cola or the CIA, somebody has to listen somewhere). Don’t forget: Fence climbing means living on the edge.
6.    Always inform yourself before climbing  a fence. For example in the internet at howtoclimbafence.org, or at howtoavoidstarvation­­­ontopofafence.mil.
7.    Don’t take a dog with you, dogs and fences don’t mix.
8.    Don’t take a cat either, never trust a cat . On second thoughts, don’t take either of the following animals with you: a cow, three ferrets (they freak out as soon as there’s more than two of them), an orang-utan, a hammerhead shark  (they are really bad climbers:  “Up you go boy”- splat! “Oh, never mind, try again. Up you go boy, up you go”- splat!), a mountain lion (a fence lion would be okay though), a bowl of shrimps, a hedgehog (again: a fencehog would be fine), two kangaroos on speed or a red squirrel (incurable show-offs, weird sense of humour). Choose your travel companions with great care, if any of the above mentioned creatures goes berserk on top of a fence you’ve had it.   

Right, the most important thing when climbing a fence is of course: Don’t be stupid and cut your damned hand!
Let’s leave the realm of fence climbing for now and get back to the initial thought of opening a bottle of rum, and the gift of prophecy. Wait, that wasn’t what I was talking about, was it? Maybe it was, maybe somewhere, somehow I was talking about that all the time.
Which brings us back to the initial topic of time.
Which brings us back to the initial topic of time.
Which brings us back to the initial topic of writing your hangover away and Halloween.
No spirits running around so far, and my own are increasingly failing me. Time to replace the typing for a blanket. I see myself lying there, like back in the days in Glasgow, my arms aching with the exhaustion of the hangover, outside you hear the river spirits giggling, but who gives a fuck about them anyway, right?
And slowly, slowly I drift off to sleep, revisiting all the places, my mind going very slow, and then I’ll meet you all again in my sleep, and maybe I’ll ask for forgiveness or something silly like that, or maybe I’ll wake up again, with my flatmates watching ‘Friends’ canned laughter and all, promising an uncomplicated world, nothing to worry about here sonny, go back to sleep and thank you very much.