Cheerio fellas!

Dark are the times, dark are the tidings. But first and foremost, somebody bungled (probably me). My official phone number is: 030-XXXXXXXY. Sorry for the earlier wrong number, I forgot a Y. I would also like to apologize for my former use of the word 'cue' which was wrong.
Anyway, limping home last night, with a ruined knee and a lukewarm kebap in my hands, I was approached by two rather unsavory characters, and not for a second did I doubt that their intention was to rob and murder me. You all know this kind of Darth Vader-Hulk-Hogan-in-his-better-days mix of guy.
So a fight was seemingly imminent. I checked my options and found that all I had to defend my life was a soggy kebap.
Now, we all know that a kebap is pretty useless in a fight. It tends to go to pieces in crucial moments and generally doesn't have the potential to maim or kill. In fact, the only way to use a kebap effectively in a fight is probably to hurl it at your opponents' feet and hope that he will slip on a garlic soaked tomato and will fall and break his collarbone and/or nose, which won't happen unless you are attacked by the Marx Brothers, or a member of the German national football squad.
There are, however, certain useful types of food, which might save your skin when trouble strikes. These are: a coconut, a bottle of beer, a black banana which is shaped like a gun, and Scottish take-away vegetable soup (STAVS).
I. Let's start with the bottle of beer. This is a controversial item, as many of you will argue that a bottle of beer is not food at all but drink, and you might have a point there. I included it, however, as it is a classic, and also a highly flexible help in fighting off the legions of doom.
The first step is to
1. Drink the bottle of beer. This will give you the courage to proceed to step 2. Careful: it is important not to mix up steps 1 and 2.
2. Hurl the bottle towards your attackers while, in the same movement if possible, turning on your heels and running away. This should be done with an almighty curse like 'Remember the Alamo!' but that part is not absolutely necessary (though highly desirable).
It is a common but absolutely unforgivable mistake to mix up steps 1 and 2, so better double-check the contents of the bottle-to-hurl.
Normally the bottle will miss its target, but the baddies will probably interrupt their pursuit to check whether you made above mentioned mistake, which will give you some extra time.
II. The coconut. A coconut is a highly useful piece of food. You should always carry one and, preferably, a spare if the first one turns out to be a dud. [If your supply is running short, they do grow in my garden. Come and visit me in The Bahamas! -Steve.]
The best way to use a coconut against any attacker but an Italian is to
1. Hit the guy with the coconut.
If, however, you find yourself attacked by a bunch of Italians it is normally a better idea to just roll the coconut towards them. They will immeadiately start passing it back and forth between themselves for a very, very long time. At one point one of them will make a mistake and they will start arguing and finally and inevitably fight themselves for decades, while you are on your way home, whistling a song (optional).
Careful: this only works with Italians, so ask your attackers gently to show you their passports before rolling the coconut (if they prove to be non-italians proceed to 1).
Other nationals might at one point try to shoot or score a goal, which might result in a broken ribcage on your side.
III. A black banana which is shaped like a gun. If you happen to be the owner of a black banana shaped like a gun and you find yourself to be under attack, draw your banana (don't say things like 'this a real gun,' as it might blow your cover) and force your attackers to eat their shoes. Don't hesitate to shoot if they make trouble at this point. This cunning tactic will give you time to flee, while their pursuit will be slowed down considerably.
IV. The Scottish Take-Away Vegetable Soup (STAVS). This is a means of last resort and desperate situations. STAVS should only be used with the utmost care and in absolutely hopeless situations (or if you feel like it - that's also a good reason). The only reason that STAVS has not yet been banned by the Geneva Convention or suchlike is probably that none of those guys has ever been attacked with (or by) it. STAVS (though only in few cases hot) is a strictly offensively used weapon. Under no circumstaces is it to be consumed or to be used like the bottle of beer, as the results might be very, very, very bad for you (on the other hand, your attackers might be so impressed by your courage/obvious madness, that they'll flee in panic, which would give you time to crawl away).
The proper, if slightly inhuman, way to use STAVS is to spray it in a wide arch over your attackers/victims (don't use a siphon as it would probably melt before you could use it).
The immediate symptoms of a STAVS attack are, amongst others: possible blindness, pimples, madness, bad breath, loss of all body hair, unwanted growth of body hair, uncontrollable shaking, unwanted growth of extra-extremities, and in the worst case a coma-like sleep that can only be ended by the kiss of a frog that was born by dwarf in a moonless night. (That one makes you wonder what they put in that soup, eh?)
STAVS is a very reckless way of defending your skin, and you should honestly consider whether getting mugged isn't to be preferred to having such a crime against your fellow creatures on your conscience.
Just having finished these violent thoughts of death and destruction, I realized that I had already passed the two dangerous looking guys, who only wanted to borrow a lighter as one of their peace-to-the-world candles had gone out. I laughed madly, patted their backs and gave them two euros, for reasons which are still beyond my own understanding.
If any of you guys (frogs and dwarfs, Italians, Scots, Michael Ballack) feel offended by this little guide to self-defense, or if you think that I forgot a crucial piece of food, then feel free to send your complaints or ideas to GeorgeWBusch@thewhitehouse.war.

Brian, I know you have things to do, but read this mail as it might save your life at one point or the other. Maybe I should have put these lines at the beginning of the mail.